I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize
