Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
I convinced a girl to do a shot of salsa someone fell through the whole on the porch and Sara swallowed a beer tab
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
I honestly didn't think living in Canada would change me, until I found myself watching hockey porn
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
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