listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction?
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
I think its awesome that i just got you to cheer for sex
Well sex is awesome. Sex deserves cheers.
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
