Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
That bitch is like a bad destiny's child song.
i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
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