I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
i'm pretty sure you said "blowjob marathon" lastnight
i totally said that
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
Randomize
