you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
We are getting high tomorrow and being statues at the cafeteria. Come find us.
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
THIS IS A FLATMATE WARNING! The white powder next to sink is washing powder I spilled and is not meant for human comsumption. I repeat- do not digest, snort or smoke the white powder next to the sink!!!!
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
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