nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
i dont know what to do
with your life?
no, with my silly bandz, im already wearing 3
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Randomize
