Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
I'll be honest with you, my dick was out at that point in time.
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Randomize
