i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
I’m looking forward to our Cougar years. These freshmen know how to fuck
Randomize
