Pregaming for shuffle board at 10 AM. I love spring break.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
I don't know why this person would ask for help. It sounds pretty OK to me. Also, I'd steal those bagpipes.
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
Randomize
