I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
1. Why did we have the team Chirstmas party in November 2. Why didn't anyone tell me the coaches were invited 3. Why did coach get the giant vibrator I brought
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
So how do u get your coat out of the coat room when someone is fucking on it?
Randomize
