if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
Randomize