I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
Randomize
