if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
yea im pretty sure it has something do with my love of forearms...
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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