He asked to "fluff my boner.."
She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
No just sleep deprived. James woke me up at 7 and forced me to eat a hot pocket with him cause he " didn't want me to die".
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
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