everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
Randomize
