I saw that some person on TFLN used a bag of wine as a pillow. I tried it last night. I forgot to close the spout. I woke up and thought my face had a period
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
I'm going to fuck him so hard that his dick is going to fracture
Glad to see your being a lady about this
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
All I know is that your reaction after this date with him was "I think I did cocaine" so I'm sold on this boy
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
Randomize
