My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
Pizza toast. It's like pizza but on toast. BC we are broke. OMG its so good.
You would never do this sober.
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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