whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
Is it just me, or does Colt McCoy look like Herbie the Dentist from "Rudolph the Red-nosed Reindeer"?
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
Randomize
