so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
Randomize
