My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
I'm passing your future prison.
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
The problem with Wednesday evening drinking is that no gets to my level. It's like like a one man party. But it's a goood party.
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
On a scale of 1 to alcoholic in withdrawal how ready will you be to start drinking as soon as you arrive on campus?
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
Randomize
