I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
There's been so much talk around your vagina it's like a local celebrity
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
I went to class with the sex aroma on me. The hot sun doesn't help much.
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
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