so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
I am at The Loft in SoNo, and there are two girls within arms reach that are making out with each other AGGRESIVELY. Like I can see 100% of a boob
For future reference, this is Trevors little sisters phone now. Trevs number is 484 XXX XXXX. Great story tho
What kind of poor, pathetic town do we live in where a horny teenage girl is sitting in her basement on a saturday night, unlaid?
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
cat food counts as protein by the way
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
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