I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
Just rolled up a joint with a cop standing right beside me. He just told us to not leave behind any garbage or empties. God I love canadian camping
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
Randomize
