I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
It's amazing what a couple of orgasms can do for a girls demeanor.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Randomize
