i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
adderall flavored popcorn. yes we did it and its awesome
Februarys looking very promising in the vaginal department
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
Randomize
