I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
