Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
can we for just one second remember that I played with a homeless man's rat at st marks?
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
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