i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
can u get pink eye on your cock?
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
I'm pretty sure blacking out is a coping mechanism.
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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