dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
So much easier to puke and rally now that my gluten's under control
we are the apple cider girls!
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
Randomize
