If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
Do you ever think that bumblebee is the gay transformer?
Every day of my life.
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
Randomize
