I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
The panties match.
I'll be right there.
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
Randomize
