just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
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