Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
Randomize
