I had to remind him that there is no "age exchange rate" between the u.s. and spain, and that 16 will always equal 16
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
Randomize