Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
No more Irish car bombs ever.
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
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