matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
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