hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
Randomize
