I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
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