Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
As a female I reserve the right to put my ipod in my cleavage because I have no pockets and not get judged by other girls right??
I woke up on karas dogs bed. Lets evaluate our lives.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
How is it possible for someone who gets so many dick picks sent to her, to be experiencing such a complete and utter lack of dick IRL.
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
Randomize
