Just watched a porn with the dvd commentary on i think i need to re-evaluate my life
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
wait you like me?? for my personality??
I know I was surprised too
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
Randomize
