At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
i don't think you understand, blowjobs are like flowers for guys.
is it mean to send ur x his condoms back because they are too small for ur new boyfriend?
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
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