You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
It all started with a game of naked twister.
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
Randomize
