The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
So how do we make 4/20 better than every other day we are stoned?
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
Randomize
