um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
you should be awarded for your promiscuity.
i really should.
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
I'm excited for you as you venture towards new drug experiences
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
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