he quoted Bring It On. It's over.
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
merry christmas to all and to all I give the mystery rash.
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
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