Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
What can I expect? While all of my friends are getting married, all of his friends are tripping on robitussin
I'm in that akward stage between jailbait and cougar
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
Hi, my name is Ashslay and I'll be your designated shitshow.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
I love how u said nothing about the sidewalk sex but refused shower sex
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
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