i just saw someone i know on True Life. i need new friends.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
it was good sex until i became a rubber doll and he became a jack hammer, so i guess overall it was good
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
Randomize
