If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
I convinced her san diego was a state. all the proof I needed was saying, why do they call it san diego state university?
He proposed that we "bone". I've completely given up on boys.
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
Randomize
