I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
Randomize
