Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
Last time i carry you out of a forest
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
Is this like a preordered booty call?
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
Randomize
