Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
We just made watching Intervention into a drinking game. We drink everytime someone does drungs.
She really thought E.D. was a sexually position.
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
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