I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
I think im in love with that girl with the googlie eyes last night. She was looking in my eyes and at my dick at the same time. we are going out again tonight.
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
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