she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
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