Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Randomize
