I may or may not have just irish jigged at a bar. And broken out in a sweat from it. Not a good sign for that marathon yo.
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
Randomize
